What Wasn’t There…

I just pulled out 15-20 eyelashes from my right eyelid.

I have a bald patch where they used to be. It looks really ugly. I don’t know how I’m going to cover it up or make it look “nice” tomorrow. And the day after that or the one after that. Thankfully eyelashes grow back but it takes a while, so this is something I’ll have to deal with until that happens.

This isn’t really a blog post like usual where I discuss something but it’s rather one where I’m writing it down because I can’t sleep now and it’s really started to panic me, which seems so stupid, surely it’s just an aesthetic thing?! But it looks horrible.

I couldn’t stop pulling them out and before I knew it there was a small pile of eyelashes in front of me and several in my fingertips. I felt horrified.

I think I’m just being dramatic, I can’t imagine that anyone will notice but I still feel like they will and I’m going to be self conscious about it all day, and the one after that etc.

I’e said before that I don’t have¬†Trichotillomania in¬†Eye Lashes¬†but I don’t know why I did it. A nervous habit? Boredom? Subconsciously? Anxiety? I don’t know.

It’s such a superficial thing but when I looked at myself in the mirror after I’d somehow managed to snap myself out of it, all I saw was what wasn’t there.

Being An Adult…

What even is an adult?

(typed the 27 year old)

I can barely manage to look after my own hair so I don’t know why I thought I’d be good at adulting. Not adultery, I’d be rubbish at that, I also wouldn’t want a part of or in it.

I left work late yesterday and when I got home I drank a gin and tonic in the shower. Then I decided I wasn’t too hungry but should probably eat something so I had a bowl of Milo cereal followed by an oat and raisin cookie and a cup of tea.

I went to bed early and I guess I’m pretty tired, in general, because I usually get up at 6:30 am for work but this morning I woke up to bright daylight streaming through the window… it’s winter now, which means no daylight at 6:30 am, looked at the time: 8:03 am! I raced out of the house but of course by the time I’m trying to get a car park to catch the train it’s school time [cars everywhere] and I have to park three blocks away.

When I was little I couldn’t wait to be an adult and now I can’t remember why. I don’t enjoy it very much to be honest,maybe it’s because I always thought I’d live alone, which I currently do not, maybe because I thought I’d know more about the world? myself? other people? but every day reminds me that I really don’t know much at all and I don’t know many people who do either.

I do know that I need to make time for things I enjoy like writing for this blog that I was so excited about creating.

Responsibilities and juggling them, maybe that’s what being an adult is about? I can only successfully juggle two things, I think the other eight are on the ground.

Lizzie X