Mental Illness: a part of me but not all of me

April 9, 2019April 9, 2019 lizziexlifeLeave a comment

TW: mental illness, symptoms and medication.

•• Do you feel depressed? How often do you feel anxious? I hate those questions but I know the answers. I know what depression feels like, it’s not the same for everyone who suffers from it. I know the emptiness, the exhaustion, the apathy, the hopelessness, the pointlessness, feeling unwanted, useless and unloved, feeling like a burden to everyone around me, pushing everyone away because you can handle it by yourself. Except you can’t. Not always.

I know anxiety and what it feels like. It can present in different ways but usually manifests in similar ways. I know the palpitating heart, I know the twisting stomach, I know the uncontrollable shaking, I know the immediate threat of danger (real or perceived), I know the dissociation, I know what it’s like to snap and take it out on others because they don’t know. Even when they’re trying to help.

I’ve known about my mental illnesses for several years now but I’d be lying if I said I’d come to terms with them. They have been in control these past months and although I’m struggling for control I still feel like I’m losing. I’m not completely convinced that medication will “fix” the chemical imbalance in my brain and that taking pills will “help restore my interest in daily living”. But I’m trying them, again. I’ve tried a few now. I’m trying to talk about it, to a professional and in everyday conversation, I’m done hiding. This is a part of me but it’s not all of me. ••

Lizzie X

Note: the medication in the photo was the medication I was on at the time the photo was taken but it is no longer the medication that I am on. I am still taking medication, just not the one shown.

Black Saturday Bushfires (Survivor’s Guilt)

February 7, 2019February 7, 2019 lizziexlifeLeave a comment

Today is the tenth anniversary of the Black Saturday bushfires. No, my house wasn’t destroyed by those terrible bushfires, the house I grew up in is still standing and I still have my childhood room. However, the Jones’s house had come to feel like home for me. It was a safe place that held a really special place for me. It was the Jones’s whose house was claimed that terrible day. They didn’t deserve it, no one deserved it.

The day was full of confusion and panic and worry, it was so sudden but also painstakingly slow.

I should feel lucky. Because it wasn’t my house. I lost material possessions but I know I didn’t lose my childhood home. It wasn’t mine to lose.

I couldn’t sleep the night before. I got up and made green tea around 2:30 am. I was up earlier than I normally would be that morning because I was tossing and turning all night. I sat outside by the pool reading, by Alex, for a while before it felt too hot and I retreated inside. The first time I heard anything out of the ordinary.

I won’t forget how smokey and orange the sky was, it was almost unbelievable. The smell of smoke, with every breath, as we tried to pile things into cars to evacuate. There wasn’t enough. Not enough room, not enough time. Not enough. I still have the stain of my navy blue polo shirt that I soaked in the sink of the public toilet block in Wallan where I sat, waiting, with You and five dogs, trying to stay cool, anxiously awaiting news. The ink of the navy blue shirt stained my underwear, the least of my worries but a physical reminder of those terrible hours.

Instead I feel guilt. Guilty that it wasn’t my house. Guilty that I feel sad anyway. Guilty for not rescuing more while I could. Guilty that I had the chance to. I feel like an imposter, trying to claim any sadness of that day for myself, I don’t deserve to feel sadness or despair for the house that was lost, the home that was claimed by those disastrous fires. It wasn’t my house.

To the Jones family, I think of you all often, particularly on this day. I’m aware that I may not have shown it enough, so you may not have felt it, but I have great admiration, gratitude and so much love for you all. You all have so much strength and resilience and such a love within your family, I was very lucky to be a part of it. I know you’ll always do well, so you don’t need my wishes, but you always have my love. 🎗🎗🎗

Note: real names were not used for privacy reasons.

Dissociation

December 22, 2018December 24, 2018 lizziexlifeLeave a comment

Disassociation .7

Trying to connect myself with my own skin to familiarise my brain with my physical being. My skin. My body. My surroundings. Touch is the best sense when trying to ground myself when I find myself floating away.

I recently found out that those times and those days aren’t just a weird thing I do, it’s actually dissociation.

Using grounding techniques to bring myself back to the present time and reality has been really useful, especially after a panic attack. They don’t always work but I’ll keep trying, in the meantime it’s certainly interesting learning more about dissociation.

📇: @itslizzieh

Note: dissociation is different from dissociative identity disorder. Dissociation is a mental process whereas dissociative identity disorder is a mental disorder.

Single Leaf

November 14, 2018 lizziexlifeLeave a comment

I exist to you

the way a single leaf

on a tree

exists within

an enormous forest

– E.H.

Type of Sad

October 23, 2018October 23, 2018 lizziexlifeLeave a comment

I am sad.

But it’s not the type of sad that I can explain, it’s not the type that has a specific reason.

It’s the type of sad that makes me cry without realising. The type that makes it possible for me to sit perfectly still for long periods of time in silence without really thinking about it. Time still passes. I can go for hours on end without speaking, where my mouth gets this strange but comfortable sensation of being closed for so long.

It’s the type of sad where no matter how important things are that I need to deal with I just can’t bring myself to worry about them, it doesn’t mean they don’t exist or they don’t matter to me, it’s all just too much energy. The type where I’m no longer scared by horror movies but apathetic to their jump scares.

It’s the type of sad that makes me feel disconnected from my body and from my life, like I’m a shadow that’s started to come unstitched. One moment I can feel everything so deeply and it’s so painful and overwhelming but then in the next moment everything is silent and empty. Like the wires that make up the birdcage of my ribs have collapsed inwards and there’s no room left for me.

It’s the type of sad where I have to concentrate all of my energy on breathing in and breathing out. The type where I feel like I don’t really exist but I’m still here, like white noise. Then someone flicks the dial and all of sudden the emptiness in my chest is back and everything hurts. Where I’m gasping for air and the tears start again.

There is no snapping out of it, no amount of routine or consumables will make things okay. I know because I’ve tried, I’ve been trying, but I’m so tired. But I can pretend if you like, to make it easier for you, so I can get by without judgement. I’m fine. I’ve been fine for a while now.

They say that it’s the type of sadness that is caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain. They give me pills to correct my brain because I’m broken. But they’re not working. None of them have so far. I’m getting to the point where I don’t think that I can be fixed. These are the cards I have been dealt and somehow I’ve ended up with the Jokers that were removed before dealing. I can’t win with this hand. But I’m still expected to keep trying.

– E. H.

Waiting

October 18, 2018October 18, 2018 lizziexlifeLeave a comment

“Wait for someone that makes you smile so hard that your cheeks hurt and loves you so much that you can feel it through their fingertips when they brush the hair out of your eyes and lean in to kiss you.”

Too much pressure is placed on relationship status and I’m so tired of it. So now I’m waiting, but I’m not sitting around and waiting, I’m not even waiting per se, I’m just not actively looking for a relationship. I don’t see the point in rushing into something that I’ve been doing okay without. I’d rather wait to feel the love through their fingertips from a light touch and feel the pain of my cheeks simply from smiling too hard. Once you’ve had a taste of that I think it’s hard to want anything less.

Ever since I was young I’ve had this idea of what I supposed to be when I grew up. I assumed that I would study hard and get good grades so I could have a secure and well paying job. I thought I would meet someone in some meet-cute kind of way and we’d fall in love, like the movies where you just know that they’re the one. We’d get married, buy a house, we’d start a family because of course I would become a mother and live this suburban life happily. But now that I’m older all of these ideas have changed.

I haven’t dated anyone in a long time now, I used to get really upset about this and thought I was missing out. But then I realised that the main reason I was upset about it was because ever since I was little I’ve had this idea in my head about what I was supposed to do and who I was supposed to become when I got older. I got really worried and upset that that idea wasn’t coming true.

When I really thought about it I understood that I was perfectly okay not being in a relationship and that I didn’t want to pursue one just because of an idea that I had when I was young. Or because I’m constantly asked “how’s your love life?” like it’s a completely separate life to the one I’m talking to them in. I’ve dated people in the past because they confessed to liking me and although we were friends and I found them attractive the main reason for me dating them was because they liked me. While that is flattering, it is not a good reason to date someone. I also haven’t had a crush on anyone in my day-to-day life for a long time. This, paired with social pressures, made me try online dating but I quickly realised that that is not the place for me, I wasn’t made for this new age of dating.

Although I say that I’m comfortable as I am that doesn’t mean that I don’t ever feel lonely or that I don’t want that kind of company. I don’t think that I’m perfect and that no one I’ve met so far has been good enough for me. That’s not it at all. I find that I enjoy being by myself very much, I’m more than happy to go about doing things on my own. I know that I can be difficult and demanding and confusing and sensitive and just too much sometimes. When I let my negative thoughts in and they take over I’m convinced that I am too difficult, too demanding, too confusing, too sensitive, too caring, too involved and overall I conclude that maybe I am in fact unloveable.

Some people will say I’m stupid for thinking I’ll just happen to meet someone when “the time is right” or that I ought to be in the game because you can’t win if you’re not even willing to play. I hate the idea that dating is some kind of game or that getting married is the end goal (even described as a “life sentence” by some). I don’t see the point in pretending that that’s something I’m interested in being a part of, who am I pretending for?

At some point I do hope I can meet someone who’s able to joke with me and make me laugh, someone who’ll be there to support me, listen to me, or just be there. Someone who wants to take road trips and doesn’t care that I like to sing along no matter how bad I sound, someone who’ll join me in the kitchen when I’m drinking wine and dancing like a fool while cooking pasta. The only games they’ll want to play will be on a pc or console or board, especially if I can join in. Someone who will still give me the time by myself that I crave and someone who’ll challenge me in discussions, seriously or jokingly. Someone who is able to communicate their ideas, thoughts and feelings so that I’m not left guessing and second guessing, someone I can have an equal relationship with. I hope that if we can meet each other that I’m able to reciprocate their wants and needs.

Life is often described as a rat race and dating is like hunting or fishing and love as a game. I used to have this idea of who I was supposed to become and what I was supposed to do but now that I’m older I don’t want to race or search or fish or play any of those games. I just want to be with someone who understands me, who can make me laugh, who can let me be, who loves me as I am, someone who I can share life with and we can make it ours. And so I’m waiting, but that doesn’t mean sitting around and not living, it means that I’m not actively looking, I’m not rushing into it because of the pressure of a relationship status. It means that it’s not the most pressing thing in my life, despite what my negative thoughts tell me.

Lizzie X

Pretend

September 26, 2018 lizziexlifeLeave a comment

I absorb the negative emotions of others around me. I feel them myself and then I make myself small so that I don’t get in their way. I don’t want to upset them.

If I am feeling negative emotions, personally, I keep them to myself. I stay quiet, but also, I smile and make myself appear positive on the outside. When I do tell someone that I am upset and that something is affecting me, they don’t believe me because I am not screaming and crying and visibly distraught. But I am.

I feel the emptiness inside me and the negativity seeping in and clawing in to tear and rip and make the emptiness grow.

– E.H.

Flowers

September 18, 2018September 26, 2018 lizziexlifeLeave a comment

Repeating the same thing,

Every single day.

Lonely when I’m alone,

Even in a crowd of people.

Then I remember that everything is in transit,

Everything reaches an end and somehow that’s comforting.

Sundays always come too soon,

The weekend speeds by,

Until the new week begins,

The same, the same again.

But change is the only constant in life.

I can never get my head on right,

Everything moves so fast.

Time cannot be controlled,

Cannot be contained.

My thoughts swirling down the drain,

Slipping away.

I send out so many letters,

I write even more.

But no post is for me,

Only bills and weeds.

Useful for cleaning up the stains.

So many games, so many rules,

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Everything’s written down,

But not everything is followed.

Whichever suits the suitor and their tailored ways,

A tuxedo, a three piece or maybe mourning.

I bought my own flowers,

I could have chosen better.

But my hands are cold,

and the soil was futile.

They manage to bring some comfort.

– E.H.

The Void

July 1, 2018July 1, 2018 lizziexlifeLeave a comment

“I feel very alone”

“I’m having a bad day”

“I like being alone but I hate feeling lonely”

“I’m sad right now”

“I am surrounded by people and yet feel very alone”

These are all things I’ve put out onto social media at some point recently. Or as I’ve started to think of the varying platforms: The Void. The definition of void that I’m referring to here is defined as “a completely empty space” because I can say or shout or whisper or yell whatever I’m feeling or thinking on whichever platform I choose, and I mainly throw those thoughts and feelings out there so that they’re not manifesting themselves in my head.

I know that there is a chance that I’ll get a response from someone and occasionally I have received some but what I’ve mostly found is that when you try to tell people that you need company, in whatever way you word it, they make excuses or say, “yeah, we need to catch up soon!” but you know they don’t mean it.

In many ways I can’t blame them because they have their own things to deal with, even ones that I may know nothing about. However, when I’m feeling the way that I am when I throw those thoughts and feelings out there, I take those rejections personally. Especially when they come from people that say that they’ll be there for you and support you no matter what. There are always exceptions.

Reading over this post it feels quite dramatic but at the same time this is how I feel when I feel this way and if you know you know. If you don’t know maybe you do now.

Lizzie X