It’s 3:00 pm and I can feel that my brain has been slowly shutting down over the past two hours. It’s quite a scary feeling really. Why don’t I have have control over my own head?
I can feel it getting worse by the second. I’ve gone running up and down the stairwell, I’ve taken a break from the computer, I’ve had water and still I feel as if my brain is slipping away from me. I could just sit and do nothing. I am becoming nothing.
I am not here sitting at my desk, taking notes, doing work, I am sinking down through the earth. The ground does not touch me but it envelopes me. I am not trapped but I can’t get out. I am safe and it is quiet.
My head is up in the sky but there is no wind. I can’t see for miles. I think my eyes are open but I can’t see at all.
My head is not cold. It is in a charcoal grey cloud but it is not wet. My head is solid but melting. Everything is fuzzy and muted; sounds, smells, sights. Everything is numb.
It tastes like that moment when you realise you haven’t spoken anything or even opened your mouth to pretend to in a very long time. It’s a strange comfort.
I feel if I fell off my chair and onto the hard floor that the jolt would bring my body up out of the earth and my head down out of the stormy rain cloud and they’d be reunited.
But then, what would I be?
I don’t think I have ever been in love.
I think at the time I thought I was, so I said it but in retrospect I don’t believe it was love.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be in love.
I know that sounds pessimistic but I just don’t see love in my cards. I think of myself as a romantic but I’m also a realist.
I am an introvert. I suffer from anxiety. I am independent. I have trust issues. I’m also lonely but I think I have been for a while now and it’s become the norm.
I fall in love easily and often but only with strangers.
I don’t party. I stay in. I fall in love with strangers on the street, in the coffee shop, out at breakfast, on the train, on the internet. But they’ll never know because I’ll never tell them. I always keep my distance.
I don’t think I’m scared of commitment but I don’t like opening up to new people. I realise that that can come off as snobbish and arrogant but if people that I’ve met in real life and have had a conversation with think that about me, then I’m baffled.
I have wondered whether I’m demisexual, which I thought made sense, but after doing some research I don’t think I am. I may actually be the opposite. I think I wanted a label for what I’m feeling and how I am but I honestly don’t think there is. So many people don’t like labels but sometimes it helps me to understand myself.
Or maybe I am demisexual but until I am able to form that emotional connection with someone I’ll only fall in love with strangers.
Sometimes it makes me feel helpless but mostly I just accept it.
I don’t mean any disrespect or hate by this it’s just how I feel and my experience with life and “love” or lack thereof.