Sexuality?

I don’t think I have ever been in love. 

I think at the time I thought I was, so I said it but in retrospect I don’t believe it was love. 

I don’t know if I’ll ever be in love. 

I know that sounds pessimistic but I just don’t see love in my cards. I think of myself as a romantic but I’m also a realist. 

I am an introvert. I suffer from anxiety. I am independent. I have trust issues. I’m also lonely but I think I have been for a while now and it’s become the norm. 

I fall in love easily and often but only with strangers. 

I don’t party. I stay in. I fall in love with strangers on the street, in the coffee shop, out at breakfast, on the train, on the internet. But they’ll never know because I’ll never tell them. I always keep my distance. 

I don’t think I’m scared of commitment but I don’t like opening up to new people. I realise that that can come off as snobbish and arrogant but if people that I’ve met in real life and have had a conversation with think that about me, then I’m baffled. 

I have wondered whether I’m demisexual, which I thought made sense, but after doing some research I don’t think I am. I may actually be the opposite. I think I wanted a label for what I’m feeling and how I am but I honestly don’t think there is. So many people don’t like labels but sometimes it helps me to understand myself. 

Or maybe I am demisexual but until I am able to form that emotional connection with someone I’ll only fall in love with strangers. 

Sometimes it makes me feel helpless but mostly I just accept it. 

I don’t mean any disrespect or hate by this it’s just how I feel and my experience with life and “love” or lack thereof. 

Lizzie X

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