Do You Feel Depressed?

I’ve taken a really long break from writing on my blog. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to write but I’ve lacked any and all motivation to write. Why should I be sharing my boring every day life and thoughts? Who’ll read them anyway? Well, maybe someone will who’s going through something similar; someone who feels quite lost and without purpose and stays up too late because it’s the only time they feel like they can really think but then that late bedtime hinders them the following day? I can’t be the only one who does that.

Skip to almost two months ago when I went to see a psychiatrist (unrelated reasons) and they were more interested in my mood and my socialising habits. They asked me if I felt depressed and honestly what kind of question is that really? I mean, what does depression really feel like? I could use a bunch of metaphors to try and describe what it is to me and how it affects me but to say, “yes, I feel depressed”, seems too strange. Maybe it’s because people will use that term so loosely these days, “I’m depressed, my favourite show got cancelled” or, “I have to work over the long weekend, I’m so depressed“.

Maybe because, to me, depression isn’t a feeling, maybe because, bare with me here, depression is a state of mind because it’s a mental illness. Depression affects your brain and the way your mind works so much that the internal workings, the way you think and function, start to affect how you act and appear outwardly. So why was this person who can diagnose me with depression asking me if I feel depressed? No, I don’t feel depressed, I feel like I always do, tired, stressed, awful, despondent, exhausted, worried, frustrated, drained, pathetic, lazy, worthless, stupid, panicked and utterly useless. Nothing new.

When was the last time you felt happy?” they asked, what?? I don’t know, I don’t keep an actual log of my “happy meter” to tell you the last time I was above a bloody 5 let alone off the charts. Upon thinking that I realised that I can’t remember the last time I was really happy. Maybe if I have to really think about it, it’s been too long?

To cut a long story short, they did diagnose me with Major Depressive Disorder *salutes* and prescribed me anti-depressants that, “may help restore your interest in daily living“. As if it’s a conscious decision, like one day I decided that I had no interest in daily living but I just keep doing it out of necessity. After one month I had to check in and I reported that I didn’t feel any different so they doubled the dosage. Maybe it hasn’t been long enough to say for sure but the extra quantity I’m taking doesn’t seem to be having much of an effect so far. I know that they’re supposed to make you worse before they make you better (I’ve been through this before) but I’m still skeptical on how they’re supposed to improve my life. The brain is a very powerful thing but I have my doubts over whether or not we can control it or “rebalance” the chemicals within it with selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors.

I have so many thoughts that I thought I ought to start writing them down, so here I am making some kind of log about this round with anti-depressants and my feelings of depression. I honestly don’t mean to be so negative I guess my doubts just really shine through because this is my normal and I can’t see it changing.

Lizzie X

 

Sexuality?

I don’t think I have ever been in love. 

I think at the time I thought I was, so I said it but in retrospect I don’t believe it was love. 

I don’t know if I’ll ever be in love. 

I know that sounds pessimistic but I just don’t see love in my cards. I think of myself as a romantic but I’m also a realist. 

I am an introvert. I suffer from anxiety. I am independent. I have trust issues. I’m also lonely but I think I have been for a while now and it’s become the norm. 

I fall in love easily and often but only with strangers. 

I don’t party. I stay in. I fall in love with strangers on the street, in the coffee shop, out at breakfast, on the train, on the internet. But they’ll never know because I’ll never tell them. I always keep my distance. 

I don’t think I’m scared of commitment but I don’t like opening up to new people. I realise that that can come off as snobbish and arrogant but if people that I’ve met in real life and have had a conversation with think that about me, then I’m baffled. 

I have wondered whether I’m demisexual, which I thought made sense, but after doing some research I don’t think I am. I may actually be the opposite. I think I wanted a label for what I’m feeling and how I am but I honestly don’t think there is. So many people don’t like labels but sometimes it helps me to understand myself. 

Or maybe I am demisexual but until I am able to form that emotional connection with someone I’ll only fall in love with strangers. 

Sometimes it makes me feel helpless but mostly I just accept it. 

I don’t mean any disrespect or hate by this it’s just how I feel and my experience with life and “love” or lack thereof. 

Lizzie X

Mushy Brain Week

I had one of the worst sleeps I have ever had on Sunday night, I can’t even begin to explain how or why, but it was truly horrible. When I woke I sat straight up convinced I was late for work then realised it was only 4:30 am! A decent hour and half before I needed to be up. When I next woke up I felt disoriented and groggy and exhausted and then I realised my alarms were going off and it was definitely time to get going.

I honestly had to turn my alarms off and calm myself down because I must have been tensed up all night, really struggling against something, even if it was just the sheets. It really threw my morning off. After all I said about Black Hole Sundays being to blame for throwing Mondays in it I had a rotten sleep and it all seemed to just be proving my point.

This week is going by quite quickly. On Sunday night when I posted I thought I’d have something new to post on Wednesday night, but here we are on Wednesday night and my brain has no new things to think to write to post. It’s been a mushy brain week.

I promise my next post will be much better, even if it’s just raving about Twenty One Pilots, who I will be seeing for the second time this Friday night, at least something with more substance than a vague and disturbing dream that I can’t even remember but has somehow stayed with me throughout the week. I do like to discuss dreams though so this will not be the last time they’re mentioned.

I hope your week isn’t speeding away from you, unless, like me,  you have something you cannot wait for on the weekend.

Lizzie X