I exist to you
the way a single leaf
on a tree
an enormous forest
I exist to you
the way a single leaf
on a tree
an enormous forest
Too much pressure is placed on relationship status and I’m so tired of it. So now I’m waiting, but I’m not sitting around and waiting, I’m not even waiting per se, I’m just not actively looking for a relationship. I don’t see the point in rushing into something that I’ve been doing okay without. I’d rather wait to feel the love through their fingertips from a light touch and feel the pain of my cheeks simply from smiling too hard. Once you’ve had a taste of that I think it’s hard to want anything less.
Ever since I was young I’ve had this idea of what I supposed to be when I grew up. I assumed that I would study hard and get good grades so I could have a secure and well paying job. I thought I would meet someone in some meet-cute kind of way and we’d fall in love, like the movies where you just know that they’re the one. We’d get married, buy a house, we’d start a family because of course I would become a mother and live this suburban life happily. But now that I’m older all of these ideas have changed.
I haven’t dated anyone in a long time now, I used to get really upset about this and thought I was missing out. But then I realised that the main reason I was upset about it was because ever since I was little I’ve had this idea in my head about what I was supposed to do and who I was supposed to become when I got older. I got really worried and upset that that idea wasn’t coming true.
When I really thought about it I understood that I was perfectly okay not being in a relationship and that I didn’t want to pursue one just because of an idea that I had when I was young. Or because I’m constantly asked “how’s your love life?” like it’s a completely separate life to the one I’m talking to them in. I’ve dated people in the past because they confessed to liking me and although we were friends and I found them attractive the main reason for me dating them was because they liked me. While that is flattering, it is not a good reason to date someone. I also haven’t had a crush on anyone in my day-to-day life for a long time. This, paired with social pressures, made me try online dating but I quickly realised that that is not the place for me, I wasn’t made for this new age of dating.
Although I say that I’m comfortable as I am that doesn’t mean that I don’t ever feel lonely or that I don’t want that kind of company. I don’t think that I’m perfect and that no one I’ve met so far has been good enough for me. That’s not it at all. I find that I enjoy being by myself very much, I’m more than happy to go about doing things on my own. I know that I can be difficult and demanding and confusing and sensitive and just too much sometimes. When I let my negative thoughts in and they take over I’m convinced that I am too difficult, too demanding, too confusing, too sensitive, too caring, too involved and overall I conclude that maybe I am in fact unloveable.
Some people will say I’m stupid for thinking I’ll just happen to meet someone when “the time is right” or that I ought to be in the game because you can’t win if you’re not even willing to play. I hate the idea that dating is some kind of game or that getting married is the end goal (even described as a “life sentence” by some). I don’t see the point in pretending that that’s something I’m interested in being a part of, who am I pretending for?
At some point I do hope I can meet someone who’s able to joke with me and make me laugh, someone who’ll be there to support me, listen to me, or just be there. Someone who wants to take road trips and doesn’t care that I like to sing along no matter how bad I sound, someone who’ll join me in the kitchen when I’m drinking wine and dancing like a fool while cooking pasta. The only games they’ll want to play will be on a pc or console or board, especially if I can join in. Someone who will still give me the time by myself that I crave and someone who’ll challenge me in discussions, seriously or jokingly. Someone who is able to communicate their ideas, thoughts and feelings so that I’m not left guessing and second guessing, someone I can have an equal relationship with. I hope that if we can meet each other that I’m able to reciprocate their wants and needs.
Life is often described as a rat race and dating is like hunting or fishing and love as a game. I used to have this idea of who I was supposed to become and what I was supposed to do but now that I’m older I don’t want to race or search or fish or play any of those games. I just want to be with someone who understands me, who can make me laugh, who can let me be, who loves me as I am, someone who I can share life with and we can make it ours. And so I’m waiting, but that doesn’t mean sitting around and not living, it means that I’m not actively looking, I’m not rushing into it because of the pressure of a relationship status. It means that it’s not the most pressing thing in my life, despite what my negative thoughts tell me.
I don’t think I have ever been in love.
I think at the time I thought I was, so I said it but in retrospect I don’t believe it was love.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be in love.
I know that sounds pessimistic but I just don’t see love in my cards. I think of myself as a romantic but I’m also a realist.
I am an introvert. I suffer from anxiety. I am independent. I have trust issues. I’m also lonely but I think I have been for a while now and it’s become the norm.
I fall in love easily and often but only with strangers.
I don’t party. I stay in. I fall in love with strangers on the street, in the coffee shop, out at breakfast, on the train, on the internet. But they’ll never know because I’ll never tell them. I always keep my distance.
I don’t think I’m scared of commitment but I don’t like opening up to new people. I realise that that can come off as snobbish and arrogant but if people that I’ve met in real life and have had a conversation with think that about me, then I’m baffled.
I have wondered whether I’m demisexual, which I thought made sense, but after doing some research I don’t think I am. I may actually be the opposite. I think I wanted a label for what I’m feeling and how I am but I honestly don’t think there is. So many people don’t like labels but sometimes it helps me to understand myself.
Or maybe I am demisexual but until I am able to form that emotional connection with someone I’ll only fall in love with strangers.
Sometimes it makes me feel helpless but mostly I just accept it.
I don’t mean any disrespect or hate by this it’s just how I feel and my experience with life and “love” or lack thereof.
I have never been kissed.
Now before I continue, in the spirit of full disclosure, I will elaborate: I do not mean in the Drew Barrymore/Josie Geller 1999 drama way, I have never been kissed in a way that makes my heart stop and the whole world dissolves away, leaving the two of you entwined together until you come up for air and you’re left feeling light and hazy but also full and like nothing has seemed more clear.
I’m not talking about a Hollywood movie kiss, traditional or contemporary, because I know that they’re staged, they’re too perfect and they can’t be trusted. But with the help of the right music and if the actors have the right chemistry and the proper build up, you can definitely get swept up in the moment and it can feel believable.
When I read about these types of kisses (which I do because they crop up every now and then in various books I read) it feels like something that isn’t exactly 100% foreign. This is obviously because I have partaken in kisses, I have been the kisser and the kissee, so I have been in the same region but not quite there. I’ve played the game but haven’t quite reached that level. Others have regaled me with their tales however.
I believe these types of kisses can be purely lust filled but the best ones are when you connect with someone on a whole other playing field, miles from the region I’ve been in, on a secret level I haven’t managed to figure out. Because you need a teammate, an ally who’ll help you navigate your way there and for one reason (or many) I haven’t.
I can’t help but wonder if I’m being foolish and such kisses even exist or if maybe I’m better off having never been kissed but I’m still optimistic about this. After all, there are so many different types of kisses why would this be the one that everyone lies about? That would just be too cruel.
It’s almost midnight on a Wednesday night and I’ve written over 300 words about kisses because they’ve been on my mind lately. I could probably write more too, go on and list the varying types of kisses, (although being completely honest I’m not your best resource for the comprehensive list) but instead I’m going to keep it somewhat short and sweet, like one of the types of kisses I have had, now that I’m approaching the 400 mark.
If you’ve had one of these otherworldly kisses know that I’m happy for you and please put me in touch with your intergalactic connection.