Type of Sad

I am sad.

But it’s not the type of sad that I can explain, it’s not the type that has a specific reason.

It’s the type of sad that makes me cry without realising. The type that makes it possible for me to sit perfectly still for long periods of time in silence without really thinking about it. Time still passes. I can go for hours on end without speaking, where my mouth gets this strange but comfortable sensation of being closed for so long.

It’s the type of sad where no matter how important things are that I need to deal with I just can’t bring myself to worry about them, it doesn’t mean they don’t exist or they don’t matter to me, it’s all just too much energy. The type where I’m no longer scared by horror movies but apathetic to their jump scares.

It’s the type of sad that makes me feel disconnected from my body and from my life, like I’m a shadow that’s started to come unstitched. One moment I can feel everything so deeply and it’s so painful and overwhelming but then in the next moment everything is silent and empty. Like the wires that make up the birdcage of my ribs have collapsed inwards and there’s no room left for me.

It’s the type of sad where I have to concentrate all of my energy on breathing in and breathing out. The type where I feel like I don’t really exist but I’m still here, like white noise. Then someone flicks the dial and all of sudden the emptiness in my chest is back and everything hurts. Where I’m gasping for air and the tears start again.

There is no snapping out of it, no amount of routine or consumables will make things okay. I know because I’ve tried, I’ve been trying, but I’m so tired. But I can pretend if you like, to make it easier for you, so I can get by without judgement. I’m fine. I’ve been fine for a while now.

They say that it’s the type of sadness that is caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain. They give me pills to correct my brain because I’m broken. But they’re not working. None of them have so far. I’m getting to the point where I don’t think that I can be fixed. These are the cards I have been dealt and somehow I’ve ended up with the Jokers that were removed before dealing. I can’t win with this hand. But I’m still expected to keep trying.

– E. H.

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