Mental Illness: a part of me but not all of me

April 9, 2019April 9, 2019 lizziexlifeLeave a comment

TW: mental illness, symptoms and medication.

•• Do you feel depressed? How often do you feel anxious? I hate those questions but I know the answers. I know what depression feels like, it’s not the same for everyone who suffers from it. I know the emptiness, the exhaustion, the apathy, the hopelessness, the pointlessness, feeling unwanted, useless and unloved, feeling like a burden to everyone around me, pushing everyone away because you can handle it by yourself. Except you can’t. Not always.

I know anxiety and what it feels like. It can present in different ways but usually manifests in similar ways. I know the palpitating heart, I know the twisting stomach, I know the uncontrollable shaking, I know the immediate threat of danger (real or perceived), I know the dissociation, I know what it’s like to snap and take it out on others because they don’t know. Even when they’re trying to help.

I’ve known about my mental illnesses for several years now but I’d be lying if I said I’d come to terms with them. They have been in control these past months and although I’m struggling for control I still feel like I’m losing. I’m not completely convinced that medication will “fix” the chemical imbalance in my brain and that taking pills will “help restore my interest in daily living”. But I’m trying them, again. I’ve tried a few now. I’m trying to talk about it, to a professional and in everyday conversation, I’m done hiding. This is a part of me but it’s not all of me. ••

Lizzie X

Note: the medication in the photo was the medication I was on at the time the photo was taken but it is no longer the medication that I am on. I am still taking medication, just not the one shown.

Type of Sad

October 23, 2018October 23, 2018 lizziexlifeLeave a comment

I am sad.

But it’s not the type of sad that I can explain, it’s not the type that has a specific reason.

It’s the type of sad that makes me cry without realising. The type that makes it possible for me to sit perfectly still for long periods of time in silence without really thinking about it. Time still passes. I can go for hours on end without speaking, where my mouth gets this strange but comfortable sensation of being closed for so long.

It’s the type of sad where no matter how important things are that I need to deal with I just can’t bring myself to worry about them, it doesn’t mean they don’t exist or they don’t matter to me, it’s all just too much energy. The type where I’m no longer scared by horror movies but apathetic to their jump scares.

It’s the type of sad that makes me feel disconnected from my body and from my life, like I’m a shadow that’s started to come unstitched. One moment I can feel everything so deeply and it’s so painful and overwhelming but then in the next moment everything is silent and empty. Like the wires that make up the birdcage of my ribs have collapsed inwards and there’s no room left for me.

It’s the type of sad where I have to concentrate all of my energy on breathing in and breathing out. The type where I feel like I don’t really exist but I’m still here, like white noise. Then someone flicks the dial and all of sudden the emptiness in my chest is back and everything hurts. Where I’m gasping for air and the tears start again.

There is no snapping out of it, no amount of routine or consumables will make things okay. I know because I’ve tried, I’ve been trying, but I’m so tired. But I can pretend if you like, to make it easier for you, so I can get by without judgement. I’m fine. I’ve been fine for a while now.

They say that it’s the type of sadness that is caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain. They give me pills to correct my brain because I’m broken. But they’re not working. None of them have so far. I’m getting to the point where I don’t think that I can be fixed. These are the cards I have been dealt and somehow I’ve ended up with the Jokers that were removed before dealing. I can’t win with this hand. But I’m still expected to keep trying.

– E. H.

Flowers

September 18, 2018September 26, 2018 lizziexlifeLeave a comment

Repeating the same thing,

Every single day.

Lonely when I’m alone,

Even in a crowd of people.

Then I remember that everything is in transit,

Everything reaches an end and somehow that’s comforting.

Sundays always come too soon,

The weekend speeds by,

Until the new week begins,

The same, the same again.

But change is the only constant in life.

I can never get my head on right,

Everything moves so fast.

Time cannot be controlled,

Cannot be contained.

My thoughts swirling down the drain,

Slipping away.

I send out so many letters,

I write even more.

But no post is for me,

Only bills and weeds.

Useful for cleaning up the stains.

So many games, so many rules,

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Everything’s written down,

But not everything is followed.

Whichever suits the suitor and their tailored ways,

A tuxedo, a three piece or maybe mourning.

I bought my own flowers,

I could have chosen better.

But my hands are cold,

and the soil was futile.

They manage to bring some comfort.

– E.H.

The Void

July 1, 2018July 1, 2018 lizziexlifeLeave a comment

“I feel very alone”

“I’m having a bad day”

“I like being alone but I hate feeling lonely”

“I’m sad right now”

“I am surrounded by people and yet feel very alone”

These are all things I’ve put out onto social media at some point recently. Or as I’ve started to think of the varying platforms: The Void. The definition of void that I’m referring to here is defined as “a completely empty space” because I can say or shout or whisper or yell whatever I’m feeling or thinking on whichever platform I choose, and I mainly throw those thoughts and feelings out there so that they’re not manifesting themselves in my head.

I know that there is a chance that I’ll get a response from someone and occasionally I have received some but what I’ve mostly found is that when you try to tell people that you need company, in whatever way you word it, they make excuses or say, “yeah, we need to catch up soon!” but you know they don’t mean it.

In many ways I can’t blame them because they have their own things to deal with, even ones that I may know nothing about. However, when I’m feeling the way that I am when I throw those thoughts and feelings out there, I take those rejections personally. Especially when they come from people that say that they’ll be there for you and support you no matter what. There are always exceptions.

Reading over this post it feels quite dramatic but at the same time this is how I feel when I feel this way and if you know you know. If you don’t know maybe you do now.

Lizzie X

Do You Feel Depressed?

June 6, 2018June 7, 2018 lizziexlifeLeave a comment

I’ve taken a really long break from writing on my blog. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to write but I’ve lacked any and all motivation to write. Why should I be sharing my boring every day life and thoughts? Who’ll read them anyway? Well, maybe someone will who’s going through something similar; someone who feels quite lost and without purpose and stays up too late because it’s the only time they feel like they can really think but then that late bedtime hinders them the following day? I can’t be the only one who does that.

Skip to almost two months ago when I went to see a psychiatrist (unrelated reasons) and they were more interested in my mood and my socialising habits. They asked me if I felt depressed and honestly what kind of question is that really? I mean, what does depression really feel like? I could use a bunch of metaphors to try and describe what it is to me and how it affects me but to say, “yes, I feel depressed”, seems too strange. Maybe it’s because people will use that term so loosely these days, “I’m depressed, my favourite show got cancelled” or, “I have to work over the long weekend, I’m so depressed“.

Maybe because, to me, depression isn’t a feeling, maybe because, bare with me here, depression is a state of mind because it’s a mental illness. Depression affects your brain and the way your mind works so much that the internal workings, the way you think and function, start to affect how you act and appear outwardly. So why was this person who can diagnose me with depression asking me if I feel depressed? No, I don’t feel depressed, I feel like I always do, tired, stressed, awful, despondent, exhausted, worried, frustrated, drained, pathetic, lazy, worthless, stupid, panicked and utterly useless. Nothing new.

“When was the last time you felt happy?” they asked, what?? I don’t know, I don’t keep an actual log of my “happy meter” to tell you the last time I was above a bloody 5 let alone off the charts. Upon thinking that I realised that I can’t remember the last time I was really happy. Maybe if I have to really think about it, it’s been too long?

To cut a long story short, they did diagnose me with Major Depressive Disorder *salutes* and prescribed me anti-depressants that, “may help restore your interest in daily living“. As if it’s a conscious decision, like one day I decided that I had no interest in daily living but I just keep doing it out of necessity. After one month I had to check in and I reported that I didn’t feel any different so they doubled the dosage. Maybe it hasn’t been long enough to say for sure but the extra quantity I’m taking doesn’t seem to be having much of an effect so far. I know that they’re supposed to make you worse before they make you better (I’ve been through this before) but I’m still skeptical on how they’re supposed to improve my life. The brain is a very powerful thing but I have my doubts over whether or not we can control it or “rebalance” the chemicals within it with selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors.

I have so many thoughts that I thought I ought to start writing them down, so here I am making some kind of log about this round with anti-depressants and my feelings of depression. I honestly don’t mean to be so negative I guess my doubts just really shine through because this is my normal and I can’t see it changing.

Lizzie X

Coming Home

December 20, 2017June 6, 2018 lizziexlifeLeave a comment

I can’t believe that anybody,

Would ever want to come home to me

I can’t see myself with with anybody,

Let alone anybody with me

Coming home to my own thoughts,

My own mind, no escape

I am alone, no one’s here

It’s just me, we’ll make it through

The same day, over and over and over again

It’s okay, we’ll make it through

Is this enough? I’ve always wanted more

(I thought there was more)

Dream, plan, wish, work, hope, work

Sleep, worry, work, stress, work, eat, work, work

Maybe more wasn’t for me

Nobody would ever want to come home to me

I can’t see anybody ever coming home to me

Muted

October 31, 2017October 31, 2017 lizziexlifeLeave a comment

It’s 3:00 pm and I can feel that my brain has been slowly shutting down over the past two hours. It’s quite a scary feeling really. Why don’t I have have control over my own head?

I can feel it getting worse by the second. I’ve gone running up and down the stairwell, I’ve taken a break from the computer, I’ve had water and still I feel as if my brain is slipping away from me. I could just sit and do nothing. I am becoming nothing.

I am not here sitting at my desk, taking notes, doing work, I am sinking down through the earth. The ground does not touch me but it envelopes me. I am not trapped but I can’t get out. I am safe and it is quiet.

My head is up in the sky but there is no wind. I can’t see for miles. I think my eyes are open but I can’t see at all.

My head is not cold. It is in a charcoal grey cloud but it is not wet. My head is solid but melting. Everything is fuzzy and muted; sounds, smells, sights. Everything is numb.

It tastes like that moment when you realise you haven’t spoken anything or even opened your mouth to pretend to in a very long time. It’s a strange comfort.

I feel if I fell off my chair and onto the hard floor that the jolt would bring my body up out of the earth and my head down out of the stormy rain cloud and they’d be reunited.

But then, what would I be?

Lizzie X