Mental Illness: a part of me but not all of me

TW: mental illness, symptoms and medication.

•• Do you feel depressed? How often do you feel anxious? I hate those questions but I know the answers. I know what depression feels like, it’s not the same for everyone who suffers from it. I know the emptiness, the exhaustion, the apathy, the hopelessness, the pointlessness, feeling unwanted, useless and unloved, feeling like a burden to everyone around me, pushing everyone away because you can handle it by yourself. Except you can’t. Not always. 

I know anxiety and what it feels like. It can present in different ways but usually manifests in similar ways. I know the palpitating heart, I know the twisting stomach, I know the uncontrollable shaking, I know the immediate threat of danger (real or perceived), I know the dissociation, I know what it’s like to snap and take it out on others because they don’t know. Even when they’re trying to help. 

I’ve known about my mental illnesses for several years now but I’d be lying if I said I’d come to terms with them. They have been in control these past months and although I’m struggling for control I still feel like I’m losing. I’m not completely convinced that medication will “fix” the chemical imbalance in my brain and that taking pills will “help restore my interest in daily living”. But I’m trying them, again. I’ve tried a few now. I’m trying to talk about it, to a professional and in everyday conversation, I’m done hiding. This is a part of me but it’s not all of me. ••

Lizzie X

 

Note: the medication in the photo was the medication I was on at the time the photo was taken but it is no longer the medication that I am on. I am still taking medication, just not the one shown.

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