Tag: alone

Waiting

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“Wait for someone that makes you smile so hard that your cheeks hurt and loves you so much that you can feel it through their fingertips when they brush the hair out of your eyes and lean in to kiss you.”

Too much pressure is placed on relationship status and I’m so tired of it. So now I’m waiting, but I’m not sitting around and waiting, I’m not even waiting per se, I’m just not actively looking for a relationship. I don’t see the point in rushing into something that I’ve been doing okay without. I’d rather wait to feel the love through their fingertips from a light touch and feel the pain of my cheeks simply from smiling too hard. Once you’ve had a taste of that I think it’s hard to want anything less.

Ever since I was young I’ve had this idea of what I supposed to be when I grew up. I assumed that I would study hard and get good grades so I could have a secure and well paying job. I thought I would meet someone in some meet-cute kind of way and we’d fall in love, like the movies where you just know that they’re the one. We’d get married, buy a house, we’d start a family because of course I would become a mother and live this suburban life happily. But now that I’m older all of these ideas have changed.

I haven’t dated anyone in a long time now, I used to get really upset about this and thought I was missing out. But then I realised that the main reason I was upset about it was because ever since I was little I’ve had this idea in my head about what I was supposed to do and who I was supposed to become when I got older. I got really worried and upset that that idea wasn’t coming true.

When I really thought about it I understood that I was perfectly okay not being in a relationship and that I didn’t want to pursue one just because of an idea that I had when I was young. Or because I’m constantly asked “how’s your love life?” like it’s a completely separate life to the one I’m talking to them in. I’ve dated people in the past because they confessed to liking me and although we were friends and I found them attractive the main reason for me dating them was because they liked me. While that is flattering, it is not a good reason to date someone. I also haven’t had a crush on anyone in my day-to-day life for a long time. This, paired with social pressures, made me try online dating but I quickly realised that that is not the place for me, I wasn’t made for this new age of dating.

Although I say that I’m comfortable as I am that doesn’t mean that I don’t ever feel lonely or that I don’t want that kind of company. I don’t think that I’m perfect and that no one I’ve met so far has been good enough for me. That’s not it at all. I find that I enjoy being by myself very much, I’m more than happy to go about doing things on my own. I know that I can be difficult and demanding and confusing and sensitive and just too much sometimes. When I let my negative thoughts in and they take over I’m convinced that I am too difficult, too demanding, too confusing, too sensitive, too caring, too involved and overall I conclude that maybe I am in fact unloveable.

Some people will say I’m stupid for thinking I’ll just happen to meet someone when “the time is right” or that I ought to be in the game because you can’t win if you’re not even willing to play. I hate the idea that dating is some kind of game or that getting married is the end goal (even described as a “life sentence” by some). I don’t see the point in pretending that that’s something I’m interested in being a part of, who am I pretending for?

At some point I do hope I can meet someone who’s able to joke with me and make me laugh, someone who’ll be there to support me, listen to me, or just be there. Someone who wants to take road trips and doesn’t care that I like to sing along no matter how bad I sound, someone who’ll join me in the kitchen when I’m drinking wine and dancing like a fool while cooking pasta. The only games they’ll want to play will be on a pc or console or board, especially if I can join in. Someone who will still give me the time by myself that I crave and someone who’ll challenge me in discussions, seriously or jokingly. Someone who is able to communicate their ideas, thoughts and feelings so that I’m not left guessing and second guessing, someone I can have an equal relationship with. I hope that if we can meet each other that I’m able to reciprocate their wants and needs.

Life is often described as a rat race and dating is like hunting or fishing and love as a game. I used to have this idea of who I was supposed to become and what I was supposed to do but now that I’m older I don’t want to race or search or fish or play any of those games. I just want to be with someone who understands me, who can make me laugh, who can let me be, who loves me as I am, someone who I can share life with and we can make it ours. And so I’m waiting, but that doesn’t mean sitting around and not living, it means that I’m not actively looking, I’m not rushing into it because of the pressure of a relationship status. It means that it’s not the most pressing thing in my life, despite what my negative thoughts tell me.

Lizzie X

Flowers

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Repeating the same thing,

Every single day.

Lonely when I’m alone,

Even in a crowd of people.

Then I remember that everything is in transit,

Everything reaches an end and somehow that’s comforting. 

 

Sundays always come too soon,

The weekend speeds by,

Until the new week begins,

The same, the same again.

But change is the only constant in life.

 

I can never get my head on right,

Everything moves so fast.

Time cannot be controlled,

Cannot be contained.

My thoughts swirling down the drain,

Slipping away.

 

I send out so many letters,

I write even more.

But no post is for me,

Only bills and weeds.

Useful for cleaning up the stains.

 

So many games, so many rules,

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Everything’s written down,

But not everything is followed.

Whichever suits the suitor and their tailored ways,

A tuxedo, a three piece or maybe mourning.

 

I bought my own flowers,

I could have chosen better.

But my hands are cold,

and the soil was futile.

They manage to bring some comfort.

 

– E.H.

 

 

The Void

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“I feel very alone”

“I’m having a bad day”

“I like being alone but I hate feeling lonely”

“I’m sad right now”

“I am surrounded by people and yet feel very alone”

These are all things I’ve put out onto social media at some point recently. Or as I’ve started to think of the varying platforms: The Void. The definition of void that I’m referring to here is defined as “a completely empty space” because I can say or shout or whisper or yell whatever I’m feeling or thinking on whichever platform I choose, and I mainly throw those thoughts and feelings out there so that they’re not manifesting themselves in my head.

I know that there is a chance that I’ll get a response from someone and occasionally I have received some but what I’ve mostly found is that when you try to tell people that you need company, in whatever way you word it, they make excuses or say, “yeah, we need to catch up soon!” but you know they don’t mean it.

In many ways I can’t blame them because they have their own things to deal with, even ones that I may know nothing about. However, when I’m feeling the way that I am when I throw those thoughts and feelings out there, I take those rejections personally. Especially when they come from people that say that they’ll be there for you and support you no matter what. There are always exceptions.

Reading over this post it feels quite dramatic but at the same time this is how I feel when I feel this way and if you know you know. If you don’t know maybe you do now.

Lizzie X

 

Sexuality?

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I don’t think I have ever been in love. 

I think at the time I thought I was, so I said it but in retrospect I don’t believe it was love. 

I don’t know if I’ll ever be in love. 

I know that sounds pessimistic but I just don’t see love in my cards. I think of myself as a romantic but I’m also a realist. 

I am an introvert. I suffer from anxiety. I am independent. I have trust issues. I’m also lonely but I think I have been for a while now and it’s become the norm. 

I fall in love easily and often but only with strangers. 

I don’t party. I stay in. I fall in love with strangers on the street, in the coffee shop, out at breakfast, on the train, on the internet. But they’ll never know because I’ll never tell them. I always keep my distance. 

I don’t think I’m scared of commitment but I don’t like opening up to new people. I realise that that can come off as snobbish and arrogant but if people that I’ve met in real life and have had a conversation with think that about me, then I’m baffled. 

I have wondered whether I’m demisexual, which I thought made sense, but after doing some research I don’t think I am. I may actually be the opposite. I think I wanted a label for what I’m feeling and how I am but I honestly don’t think there is. So many people don’t like labels but sometimes it helps me to understand myself. 

Or maybe I am demisexual but until I am able to form that emotional connection with someone I’ll only fall in love with strangers. 

Sometimes it makes me feel helpless but mostly I just accept it. 

I don’t mean any disrespect or hate by this it’s just how I feel and my experience with life and “love” or lack thereof. 

Lizzie X