Repeat

I need people

I tell people

People leave

I get hurt

Time passes

 

I need people

I tell people

People leave

I get hurt

Time passes

 

I need people

But I stop telling people

I shut myself off

I don’t need anyone

Except I’m lying

I’m lonely, I’m struggling

I can’t do this alone

 

I need people

Finally, I tell people

But

People leave

I get hurt

Time passes

Muted

It’s 3:00 pm and I can feel that my brain has been slowly shutting down over the past two hours. It’s quite a scary feeling really. Why don’t I have have control over my own head?

I can feel it getting worse by the second. I’ve gone running up and down the stairwell, I’ve taken a break from the computer, I’ve had water and still I feel as if my brain is slipping away from me. I could just sit and do nothing. I am becoming nothing.

I am not here sitting at my desk, taking notes, doing work, I am sinking  down through the earth. The ground does not touch me but it envelopes me. I am not trapped but I can’t get out. I am safe and it is quiet.

My head is up in the sky but there is no wind. I can’t see for miles. I think my eyes are open but I can’t see at all.

My head is not cold. It is in a charcoal grey cloud but it is not wet. My head is solid but melting. Everything is fuzzy and muted; sounds, smells, sights. Everything is numb.

It tastes like that moment when you realise you haven’t spoken anything or even opened your mouth to pretend to in a very long time. It’s a strange comfort.

I feel if I fell off my chair and onto the hard floor that the jolt would bring my body up out of the earth and my head down out of the stormy rain cloud and they’d be reunited.

But then, what would I be?

 

Lizzie X

Sexuality?

I don’t think I have ever been in love. 

I think at the time I thought I was, so I said it but in retrospect I don’t believe it was love. 

I don’t know if I’ll ever be in love. 

I know that sounds pessimistic but I just don’t see love in my cards. I think of myself as a romantic but I’m also a realist. 

I am an introvert. I suffer from anxiety. I am independent. I have trust issues. I’m also lonely but I think I have been for a while now and it’s become the norm. 

I fall in love easily and often but only with strangers. 

I don’t party. I stay in. I fall in love with strangers on the street, in the coffee shop, out at breakfast, on the train, on the internet. But they’ll never know because I’ll never tell them. I always keep my distance. 

I don’t think I’m scared of commitment but I don’t like opening up to new people. I realise that that can come off as snobbish and arrogant but if people that I’ve met in real life and have had a conversation with think that about me, then I’m baffled. 

I have wondered whether I’m demisexual, which I thought made sense, but after doing some research I don’t think I am. I may actually be the opposite. I think I wanted a label for what I’m feeling and how I am but I honestly don’t think there is. So many people don’t like labels but sometimes it helps me to understand myself. 

Or maybe I am demisexual but until I am able to form that emotional connection with someone I’ll only fall in love with strangers. 

Sometimes it makes me feel helpless but mostly I just accept it. 

I don’t mean any disrespect or hate by this it’s just how I feel and my experience with life and “love” or lack thereof. 

Lizzie X

Stay

I was made for

Good books and good coffee,

Rainy days, thunderstorms and autumn weather,

I was made for the moon and quiet nights.

 

I was made to

Be a daughter and a sister,

A cousin, a niece and a friend.

To maybe one day be a wife and a mother.

 

I was made to

Love, to have empathy and compassion, to listen and to learn.

I was made to help others feel less alone.

I was made to survive.

 

I was made for

The clouds and the sky,

For cats and their love, for music and live shows and the arts.

I was made for writing and dancing and travelling.

 

I may not be this person yet but these are the reasons why I have decided, on several occasions, to stay.

 

I stay so that I can become that person, experience these things and live.

 

click here to watch the video ]

Same Same

Alarm. Didn’t I just get to sleep? Hit snooze. Just drift back to sleep… Alarm again. Snooze? One more time. Alarm. Oh for f… Bleary eyed, stretch, cuddle whichever cat is closest. Mirror. Contemplate the features that make up my face. Sigh. Tie up my hair. Wash my face. Moisturise. Toilet. Feed the cats… give them both some of the gravy straight from the packet, their favourite. Change out of pyjamas. Kettle on. Toast on. Let cats outside. Coffee. Toast, avocado and egg. Cats inside. Youtube. 20 minutes left. Brush teeth. Makeup. That’s as good as it’s going to get. Get dressed, check cats food and water. Check keys, grab book and coat. Goodbye. Get stuck in traffic, find a park. Time? 8:00 train in 7 minutes. Walk faster.

—Train. Overheard conversations. Too loud music. Try to concentrate on book—

Computer on, open blind, turn on fan. Coffee. Check emails, prioritise work. Is it lunch time yet? Not yet, more coffee. I’ll just finish this. Why am I so hungry? Oh, it’s 2:30 pm. I’m hungry with no idea what to eat, go to one of the regulars. Coffee. Prioritise work.

—5 minutes till the train. Got a seat. Red eyes can’t focus on book. Social media. Book—

I’m not hungry but should probably eat. Find something. Eat. YouTube. 8:30 pm. I should go to bed soon, busy day tomorrow. One more video. 9:25 pm. I haven’t worked on anything for myself, what about my projects? Browse online shopping or similar. 9:55 pm. Surge of inspirational energy to work on own projects. I’ll just do a bit, it’s better than nothing. 10:50 pm. I’m going to be so tired tomorrow. Bed… Can’t sleep.


and repeat.

What Wasn’t There…

I just pulled out 15-20 eyelashes from my right eyelid.

I have a bald patch where they used to be. It looks really ugly. I don’t know how I’m going to cover it up or make it look “nice” tomorrow. And the day after that or the one after that. Thankfully eyelashes grow back but it takes a while, so this is something I’ll have to deal with until that happens.

This isn’t really a blog post like usual where I discuss something but it’s rather one where I’m writing it down because I can’t sleep now and it’s really started to panic me, which seems so stupid, surely it’s just an aesthetic thing?! But it looks horrible.

I couldn’t stop pulling them out and before I knew it there was a small pile of eyelashes in front of me and several in my fingertips. I felt horrified.

I think I’m just being dramatic, I can’t imagine that anyone will notice but I still feel like they will and I’m going to be self conscious about it all day, and the one after that etc.

I’e said before that I don’t have Trichotillomania in Eye Lashes but I don’t know why I did it. A nervous habit? Boredom? Subconsciously? Anxiety? I don’t know.

It’s such a superficial thing but when I looked at myself in the mirror after I’d somehow managed to snap myself out of it, all I saw was what wasn’t there.

Eye Lashes

I have this horrible habit of pulling out my eyelashes.

I’m quite sensitive about it, I’ve never had wonderful lashes to begin with. I feel uncommonly proud when my eyelashes look full and I can wear mascara and feel like it’s actually being applied to something rather than stubbly little lashes.

I know it must stem from stress, all the best things do, and sometimes I can pull out three at a time. However, I also pull them out because the root of the problem is that they hurt, literally. It can just be one eyelash that is giving me grief but it. must. come. out.

It doesn’t always stop there though.

I’m not saying that I have trichotillomania because I don’t think I do and I’m not trying to take anything away from people who suffer from it either. This is why I’ve referred to it as a bad habit, which it is, it’s also one I can’t stop doing.

I get stressed and overtired easily, I get sore and dry eyes easily, I have an oily skin type and as I’ve preciously mentioned I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. I’m listing all of these things because I feel like they all contribute. I don’t get eye infections, I remove my makeup thoroughly every night, I use eyedrops regularly, I wash my face day and night and I change my pillowcases.

I don’t know why I decided to share this in a post today. It’s not something nice but it might be relatable and it’s a thing that flares up, which is I guess what prompted this. I used to do this when I was younger too and I don’t remember them hurting then, it was more of oh, I can pull these eyelashes out, weird satisfaction.

Destructive behaviour is one of my specialties.

Lizzie X

Blink

I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. Lately I haven’t had as many panic attacks, which has been really great (understatement of the year).

I was out on Sunday afternoon, with my mum, it was nearing the end of the day and we were headed home. She had driven all the way there so I offered to drive back.

I used to love driving at night time, it felt peaceful and with my music on and the window down, no matter the weather, looking out over all the lights. I felt free.

On this particular drive though all I felt was a panic attack a second before it hit.

It came out of nowhere. It happened so quickly. Blink.

It felt like an electric shock but it wasn’t electric. This shock wave passed through me, every inch of skin, every vein, every blood cell, in an instant. One minute I was driving the next I had my eyes tightly shut, my body was rigid and I could’t breathe. A wave of coldness washed through me and then my heart rate sped up.

I realised I was still driving.

I forced my eyes open and realised I was doing 20kms less than before. Cars were right near me and I don’t remember them being there before, everyone trying to get home, just like me. My hands were hurting from gripping the wheel so tightly. “Are you okay?” I couldn’t answer I just focused on breathing and keeping my eyes open.

In through the nose, out through the mouth, relax my hands, blink.

I picked up the conversation where it had ended abruptly before the panic attack and hit me and tried to continue as normal. Normal driving, normal talking, normal breathing.

It hadn’t passed, just subsided. Perhaps it was only five minutes later, maybe more, I’d gotten myself to breathe again, drive at the speed limit and I was feeling safer. Slightly. Cars were all around me, in front of me, beside me overtaking and breathing down my neck behind me. I was crouching in my seat to avoid the headlight reflections in my rear view mirror, I know I can flick it but I find that to be very disorientating because I can’t determine the distance of the cars behind me. Before I knew it I’d slowed right down. My hands were gripped so tightly around the steering wheel, my breathing was laboured and the second wave of cold anxiety and panic was washing through me.

I somehow managed to shake my shoulders, or maybe it was more of a shudder, sending movement through my body that was my own. I must have made some kind of strangled noise because I was asked if I was okay, again. Blink. I flexed my fingers and I focused on putting my foot down a little bit to get back to reasonable speed but I stayed slow so the cars would overtake me.

Thankfully not long after that my turn off came up and I slowed right down to a complete stop at the stop sign before turning onto a much quieter road and continuing into town. When I pulled over into a park I handed the keys over and got into the left-hand side of the car. Mum drove the rest of the way. Sitting in the passenger seat I was able to breathe again and try to get the feeling back in my extremities.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

Lizzie X

 

P.S I wrote most of this on Sunday night as soon as I got home, I didn’t know if I would post it but I’ve decided I would share it. I’m so sick and tired or being scared of my anxiety. So here it is in my somewhere and nowhere place for others to read and use.

Lemon Pips

Do you ever stop to think about your life? I do, all the time.

If you do, how do you think about it? Do you focus on the good things, the things you wouldn’t change? Do you plan ahead to try and see what your life could be and how it is that you could get there? Do you pick it apart and find all of the bad things and then realise that it’s not as easy as picking the pips out of a lemon and that you’re actually going to have to get more than your fingertips wet if you want to fix them?

(That wasn’t supposed to be a life/lemons reference, I just like lemons and getting the pips out can be annoying but a necessary thing to properly enjoy the lemon)

I’ve been trying to look at my life as a whole, which in this case means looking at the individual parts then placing them together to form my life in an abstract way and assessing how well it is. Taking its temperature, checking its reflexes, all of the usual tests. I tried to think of the individual parts as large areas and broke them down to: home life, work life, personal life (which is entirely different from home, it refers to who you are as an individual, by yourself, just you, alone) and the other part being health, meaning the parts that you can tangibly measure to some degree of accuracy, whether physical or mental.

When I put them all back together I realised that they don’t measure up to a whole lot. I’ve placed a metaphorical marker on a scale of 1-10 of where my life currently sits and I feel nonplussed to say that it’s sitting at a 3, maybe a 3.5 if i’m being optimistic, which I’m not exactly known for being. There are little things that I do that make me feel better, like writing this blog, and even then I have to remind myself to make time for it but I’m glad that I do. I’d like to make a point of taking steps in each area of my life to try and improve it as a whole by actively working towards them so that I can hopefully move that metaphorical marker to a 4 one day, or if i’m being wild an dreaming big, a 5.

I’m not saying that I’m going to make a list and once I tick each item off I can move the marker half a point in the positive. I’m not naive enough to think that that’s all it’s going to take but it’s a good starting point. Just like a 3 isn’t great but it’s a starting point, now I have somewhere to move forwards from and somewhere to look back on once I’ve made progress. Instead of just sitting here at a 3 like, cool, this is my life. I will anticipate setbacks and things not going to plan while trying to keep in mind that any progress is good progress, you just have to keep at it.

I wish this post was like a pensieve for thoughts and I could take all of them and put them in these words for me to revisit later because my head feels so heavy right now. I will revisit this topic and perhaps even list some of the things in each area that I’m going to actively work towards, there will be a follow up, this is just a starting point.

Lizzie X

Battling Anxiety

I think it’s such a funny turn of phrase to say battling anxiety or battling anything that isn’t physical. I automatically envision brandishing a sword to my own mind in an animated form, if only it were that simple. If only the mind didn’t have it’s own metaphorical sword.

It’s 11:37 pm on Easter Monday and I have really appreciated this long weekend. I haven’t gotten up to much, mainly sleeping, catching up on shows and drinking lots of tea. The sleeping is the best thing. I’ve appreciated being able to sleep in and sleep through most of the day when usually I would have be jumping out of bed.

I’m hoping that this will help me in the weeks to come. Help me deal with interactions, work and everyday stresses. I can’t be sure, I don’t think anyone can be when thinking about the future, but I hope it will.

A little while ago I came up with a little list of 5 things that help me when battling anxiety and I thought that I should share them.

  1. Music; sometimes loud and yelly music or good singing music, other times contemplative music, or music with lyrics that make you stop and listen, and sometimes a good classical piece by Bach or a jazz number by Curtis Fuller.
  2. Move; shake it out and shake it off, an impromptu dance party can really help to reset your body and your breathing. Jumping around, going for a run or just changing your scenery can also be a great reset technique.
  3. Breathe; whether you watch a calming gif for breathing, or you count to ten while breathing in and out. Closing my eyes and concentrating on my own breathing helps my heart rate to slow down and my stomach to unknot.
  4. Water; nice cold water, little sips, concentrate on how good it tastes. Sometimes rinsing it around my mouth, making sure my gums are hydrated and my tongue is coated before swallowing it can really help. Actually tasting the water instead of just drinking it because we’re told we need to.
  5.  Write; getting thoughts and feelings and words out into a physical place can help them from running around and around your own head. This can be a letter to no one, lyrics to a song, a poem, notes to yourself or whatever you need them to be. I guess this is why I wrote this list in the first place, to share it on some level.

I’m sure I could write a list of 10 things that I actually do when I get anxiety, or when I feel my anxiety creeping up and taking over, because what does “get anxiety” even mean? If I already have anxiety then I can’t get it because I already have it, right? It’s there, it’s always there, it just lies dormant sometimes making you think that everything’s okay and that you can keep doing what you doing, go about your day as normal and just see what happens.

If you suffer from anxiety what do you do in order to deal with your it? Have you found my tips useful for battling anxiety? Have you been in a situation where you can’t do anything to avoid it or battle it and you’ve just had to “deal” with it? I have and I might write about it another time but I’m leaving this here for tonight.

Lizzie X